A dad's point of view

When laura first told me she was pregnant I froze, I didn't know what to say or do for a few seconds, I was happy, so happy as I had always wanted a baby, I believe I was put on this earth to be a dad. A lot of things went through my head that night in bed, most of them turned out to not really matter. Will it be a boy or girl? Will they be healthy? Will we be able to afford a child? Will I be a good parent? What if this happens, what if that happens, it all really doesn't matter. Looking back I wish I didn't worry, wish I enjoyed the first finding out a bit more, but everyone reacts different, I was excited, but I'm quite a deep thinker and may have over thought a lot. Laura's pregnancy was a good time of our lives, we'd just got married and got our new house, the arrival of Bonnie gave me a good deadline to decorate the house and to do what we wanted, I wanted to make Bonnies room perfect, and just as important Laura's dressing room somewhere she could put her nice things and get ready. Laura is the most hard working and persistent person in the world, and being pregnant didn't restrict her from doing anything, she had to be begged by me and the midwife to stop working (a week before her due date) she's amazing and I admire her work ethic so much. Laura's waters broke 2 days before Bonnies due date, the 27th. We went into hospital that afternoon and got told to come back after 24 hours, we went back in on the 28th and Bonnie was born on her due date, the 29th of December. That's when both of our lives changed massively, Laura's more than mine. Going from working full time, weekends and long days to being on your own with a baby must be hard, I can't even imagine the mindset you have to be in to cope with it. But Laura has, she's pushed through a lot of tough days, breastfeeding until she can't physically do it anymore that day, and getting up the next time and going again. Being a dad is hard, being a husband to a wife who is as hard on herself as Laura is about being a mum is even harder. Everyone wants the best for their children and Laura is a classic example of utter selflessness, she's given everything to being a mum, she has bought a human into the world and over the past 5 months nurtured her into the most beautiful little girl, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough. I don't think anything will ever prepare you enough for being a parent. People want to be good parents of course they do, but what have we actually got to learn from? Nothing, we have to just make most of it up as we go along, we get tips and generic advice most of it a load of rubbish as every baby is different, but really when you think about it what have we got to look at apart from another book from Holly 'mum of the year' Willoughby telling you what to do. It's not anyone's fault that you can't be prepared, it's just the nature of it, having a baby is hard, sometimes it's impossible, but somehow Laura manages the impossible and gets up everyday and does her best for Bon. Sometimes it can get too much, and that's when husbands need to be there, need to soak up all of the bad and get rid of it somewhere, but where? One thing I did notice after Bon was born is how little support the dad gets, i don't want any attention or all eyes on me, I'm not jealous of Laura for being prodded and poked but I just think it would be good for someone to ask 'How are you coping?' Or is there anything you're worries about with Laura or Bonnie. A lot of focus is on the mums, and quite rightly so, but I think if there was more help for the dads then the mums would do better, feel better and maybe not get so down so often.

On reflection

I am sitting here on the marina, its a lovely sunny day, and I am alone; with a full coffee and an empty pushchair. I feel calm and collected; yet I have a little anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. (I often wonder if this feeling will ever disappear!) Rewind to this time last year, I would have hated being in a coffee shop alone.  Conscious that people would think I was some sort of weird loner who no one wanted to have coffee with. Now, as I people watch, accepting politely the looks and nods off other mums with full pushchairs, (that knowing 'oh lucky you having a childfree hour' nod and their smile that almost says 'you enjoy that coffee hun') I am enjoying each sip of my skinny vanilla latte and every second of my own company.  Sometimes all a mother needs is just some child free time to sit and gather her thoughts. Before I had a baby I thought thats all you'd have time to do, but it couldn't actually be further from the truth.

I have always been good at sharing how I feel about things, but maternity leave- and motherhood in general- is a very hard feeling to describe. I hate to say it, and the pre-baby me would be screaming at me for saying this- but it definitely is the sort of thing that if you haven't been there yourself, you literally have no idea.  Here I am harping on about how great it is sat in Costa on my own, (note to self- I need to get out more!) but if you have read my first blog post on maternity leave, you'll know how lonely I have found mat leave to be. I'm not really giving myself a chance here am I? Here I am saying how it's been a lonely 7 months, but I enjoy the rare times I have to myself. Hear me out though- there is a massive difference between being on your own and being alone with a baby- when you are on your own it really makes you realise how much that little cute human is literally at the forefront of your minds at all times and how you literally do not have time to think about yourself- or to think at all sometimes!

During those days at the beginning where I had a newborn who seemed to be constantly attached to my breast I found it so hard to imagine ever being in a place like this- not just physically being without her but also in this state of mind. A place where I can feel a little more 'myself' again.  Even a place where I can be 'Laura- that property developer' and not just 'Bonnie's mum'. The past 7 months have flown by, but on the other hand, those first few months seem like a lifetime ago.  I am not going to lie, the newborn stage was not always an enjoyable time for me.  And that is OK to say! Did I feel grateful? Yes. Was the bond instant? Not exactly.  Was I in love with her? Of course. Did I enjoy every moment? Nope. If anything, the first 4 months were a blur. When something hits you quite hard mentally, its amazing how it can just drop out of your mind. Those first months were a blur to me- I experienced what I can only describe as a 'mummy dementia' during this time. I felt guilty for so long about this, but I just want to say to anyone feeling the same, not everyone is going to enjoy every last second and you have your child for the rest of your life- think of all the memories you have yet to make. I am certainly making up for it now, and it doesn't fill me with guilt anymore.

I always wonder if I lived maternity leave to the fullest- but thinking about it, I believe I tried my absolute best. My mantra was to say yes to everything as much as possible and it really meant that I got the most out of my time on mat leave.  I met up with mum groups as much as I could, I met up with other mums in the area one on one for a chat which sometimes is just what's needed, I did baby massage, jolly babies, moo music, puddle ducks, baby sensory, messy play, mother and baby groups, pretty much every thing to get out and about. Some groups were great, some weren't so, but the main thing was I never had an element of doubt or 'I wish I had done this or that'. I tried pretty much everything.  That still doesn't mean I don't feel guilty- did I play with her enough? Did I spend too much time on my phone? Did I stimulate her enough, or educate her enough? Did I let her pick up on my negative energy? Did I let her watch too much T.V? Did I talk to her or sing to her enough? Do I rush bath time? Have I wished for her bed time too many times? Believe me, the guilt is there- it's very real.

Why do we feel guilty? What is it that makes us feel like we haven't done enough? How are we feeling like we haven't played enough or let them watch too much TV? What is it that is making us come to this conclusion? Comparison. Comparison has everything to blame for mum guilt, and with the ever growing mum networks on social media especially, this is something everyone needs to put a bit into perspective once in a while. Let me paint you a picture- you've had a shit day. I mean its been HARD. One of those days where you have ventured out, your child starts having a meltdown and  you've thought fuck it, turned around and gone back home. You moan to your friends, your sister, your mum.  You may even post on Instagram that you have had it tough today in the hope that someone out there knows the feeling and it may make you feel you are not the only one. You hand over your child to your partner as soon as they get through the door because you just cannot parent for one more minute of the day. Child goes to bed and you pour yourself a large glass of well deserved wine because tomorrow's another day. You flick through Instagram and here come the inspirational quotes- 'enjoy every moment' or 'live each day as if it were your last' and you just feel like a shit ungrateful person who obviously just doesn't love their child enough. Let me tell you something- you can live your life without savouring every moment.  Don't get me wrong, I take some time every day to really think about how lucky I am- but I do not sit and smile when Bonnies screaming her head off because I am just 'savouring the moment' and I wasn't 'savouring the moment' while scrubbing yellow newborn poo from off my fingernails. Its just not realistic. Thats not to say that being a miserable cow the whole time is the way forward, but it is OK to sometimes admit your day has just been a bit- shit. And those Instagram accounts where everything is rainbows and butterflies?? You know deep down that shit just aint real.

Once I accepted that my journey was unique, and not make comparisons to sometimes very unrealistic perceptions of motherhood, it became a lot easier to get my head around. I stopped seeing the first few months as something that I had 'missed' and started to view it as a stepping stone- a period of time that brought us up to where we are now. Everything happens for a reason, and you've got to take the highs with the lows- it's all part of your own unique journey. Just remember- the end of maternity leave marks the beginning of something new- no one is going to come and take your baby away once mat leave is over. So you may regret not joining that baby group- don't dwell on it and just think of the time you have left to make memories.

It's been an absolute pleasure spending the first 7 months daily with my daughter- seeing her change and grow into the amazing little character she is now. We've had highs and lows- but it's amazing how the lows just seem to diminish month by month and are replaced by the highs that just completely overshadow those hard times.

We are both starting our own journeys. Me going back to work with a whole new perspective. My daughter has taught me so much about myself. I can be a little bit of the old me again- which is what I craved so much during the low times at the beginning. I can use my brain a little more and have non baby related conversations. Make important decisions (which actually don't seem as important now in the whole scheme of things) Things I have really missed doing.
Bon has already started her journey. The strangest thing about Bonnie starting nursery is the fact that I have always been part of every aspect of her life and now she's having her own little part of her life that I won't be involved with. Meeting new friends who I won't know, singing songs that I don't know the words to, playing games that I have not played before- it's the strangest feeling. It's exciting to think about how much I will see her develop because of this. And she's the most amazing little person, it's time to let others experience the little Bonnie I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last 7 months. So go on Bon- this is your time to show everyone what an amazing little girl you are. I can't keep you to myself forever.

A.M.L 

LaLa x

Sleep!

Every now and again I do get blog suggestions from people which I love to get as it's good to know what people want to read about. About 99% of the time I get asked to write about Bons sleep as I have mentioned that she sleeps really well at night, and now after a bit of work put into it, goes down with no trouble at the same time every night and I mean straight down, without fail. I get asked how it was done, how I got Bonnie to be a good night time sleeper and the truth is, even though I think some things helped, we were just lucky. 

When Bonnie was born, I remember at night time in hospital it was always everyone else's baby crying most of the time and she was a pretty good baby. She was slightly jaundice though, so was sleepier than usual. The first night that I stayed at home, I remember getting up in the night to feed her and just kept forgetting I'd put her back in her crib and waking up panicking thinking I had lost her in the bed! The next night, I put her down and went to sleep at about 10pm thinking that I would hear her if she needed a feed and wake up. Fast forward to 6am waking up in panic that I had not woken in the night. She had slept through. Thinking this was just a fluke, I was surprised when she continued to sleep through night after night, and it didn't stop. From birth, my baby slept through and just continued to do so. People are forever telling me that 'it won't last' or 'you wait until it all changes'. It all might change- they may be right. But for now I'm enjoying the fact that she's now almost 8 months old and is still sleeping through the night. 

So let's start from the beginning. Bonnie didn't have a routine and would go down to sleep any time between 6-9. She would sleep in her pram (coachbuilt so a proper mattress) downstairs at that time. We would carry on making tea, watching T.V, we didn't whisper around her and she would just sleep through it. I believe now that that's the reason why she is good at sleeping through consistent background noise. At about 10pm Bonnie would wake up, so I would feed her and take her up to bed with us where I put her down in her next to me crib. She would then sleep until 6/6:30am. I then put her in our bed where I would feed her and then she would sleep again until about 7:30/8. 

When Bonnie got to around 3 months old, she stopped waking at 10 so I would just give her a dream feed at that time. She may not have even needed it but you know what she was a good sleeper and I wasn't temping fate. I did eventually stop doing this when she was 5 and a half months and she slept as normal. 

The only problem I found was getting her down in the first place. We would do bathtime/winding down at 6 and we would spend around 3 hours trying to get her down to sleep. Once she was down that was her for the night, but getting her down was the problem. It took hours of rubbing her head and tummy to get her off to sleep. The other problem was her napping in the day was non existent. Sometimes she would go a whole day with just a half an hour nap. I hated to complain about her not sleeping in the day because I knew she was so good at night but dealing with an over tired baby on top of colic and reflux- they were the toughest days. I tried a sleep routine- I saw when her tired times were in the day and tried to make her sleep at those times and failed at it massively. It wasn't until I had introduced formula and she had a loose feeding routine that I started to notice a pattern in her naps. She now naps at 9:30 and 2:30 every day but she didn't get like that until after 4 months. She did have a meltdown every single day before her 9:30 nap but now I sing to her while she just cuddles me and falls asleep on my chest then I put her in her cot. I bloody love our 9:30 cuddles now. 

Bonnie was 5 months old when she went into her own room. The original plan was to put her in her own room when we got back from holiday when she was 6 and a half months old. My logic was that there was no point putting her in her own room, only to go on holiday where she'll be back in with us again- we thought it would be an easier transition. So when I got rid of the first size sleepyhead and the new one came and I realised it didn't fit in the next to me, or any crib in the house apart from the cot in her room- (it's massive!) I panicked. My husband didn't see the big deal- just put her in her own room it's not a problem- but I just felt that it had sprung upon me and I hadn't had time to mentally prepare for it. The first night, I fed her (I breastfeed her before bed) and she didn't fall asleep while being fed. I was fully prepared for a battle at bed time but I tried just putting her down in her bed and walking away. To my surprise a couple of minutes later she was asleep. No crying, nothing. She had self settled. That gigantic sleepyhead arriving was a blessing in disguise! 

The following night, I went to do exactly the same as I had before. I walked out of her room and she started to cry. Because she had self settled the night before, I knew she could do it again, so I stayed outside her door and every time she cried, I went in her room, stroked her head until she settled, then walked back out again. I did this for about 5 minutes and she was asleep. It took about 2 weeks of this to get her settled into that routine- sometimes she would go straight down, sometimes it took me going in and out to comfort her, and a couple of times if she got really upset I just stayed beside her and stroked her head until she fell asleep. But after about 3 weeks, she was self settling every night at 7:30 on the dot. The fact that she was in her own room helped, and she obviously relates this to sleep. I had started putting her down for naps a couple of weeks before which may have helped. What else helped was making her bath time later- we moved it from 6 to 7 and it helped a lot. Now we start it at 6:30 and she is down for 7:15. She then sleeps until around 6, where I feed her and she then goes back down for another hour or so. 

So what helped from the beginning? I would say 2 things- 

1. Swaddling- Bonnie was swaddled as soon as she was out pretty much. For bed, we used something called a grosnug by the fro company- it made swaddling easy. The reason why I believe it helped with the sleep so much was the first night Bonnie was up through the night was the night was the only night she wasn't in her gro snug. It's really odd when you put them in at at first- it's almost like it's too tight but it is safe- we zipped her arms in but when she was reaching the 12lbs limit we unzipped the arm holes. 

Another swaddling blanket we had was one by merino kids. Bonnie hated the car and wouldn't sleep- she'd just scream the whole journey. But we found that this swaddle blanket had holes for the car seat and so we used it for car journeys and it magically made her sleep. 

2. The sleepyhead. Now this is tricky, because it may have paid no part in Bonnies ability to sleep through- the thing is we'll never know as we have never chanced her not sleeping in one. The good thing is she's slept while we've been away from home with her and it must be a bit like taking her own bed away with her. A little home comfort. 

Anyway, I think that's everything I have learnt so far about Bonnie and her sleep. 

Thank you, Bon. You have been an absolute bloody legend on the sleep front, I got to say. 

That's my girl. 

  

A.M.L 

LaLa x