A little bit of crazy

One of the things that I was most surprised about after I had my gorgeous little girl was the fact that I changed so much. And not in the 'look at you at all the baby groups you always said you wouldn't go to' kinda change, but, how can I put this... I went. A. Little. Crazy.

My birth wasn't straightforward- I will touch on how it affected me later down the line on another blog post (I'm not quite ready to share this yet, but I will) I don't think I will ever put my actual birth story on here. Don't get me wrong, I love a good birth story, especially a good one, but... no. 

After having her with a good amount of gas and air I remember while having stitches asking the midwife, "can you ever have too much of this?" The answer was no so I just went for it. The hospital bed turned into a lilo floating on a pool in Marbs, I was at a rave at my local club, I was in a room full of clowns, (I was hugging a big clown at one point) at one point I was in Newquay and I had flashbacks to being in a club when I was 18. Loving life. 

Obviously this was all down to gas and air- something I knew would wear off and I would become my normal un-crazy self again. What I didn't know, what no one ever told me, was that actually the crazy may hang around for a while longer- this was nothing to do with gas and air- it was all down to those pesky hormones. Oxytocin and prolactin are the hormones you produce when you're feeding- and they are a big mix of crazy when they are in my body. Everyone is different, but this is my crazy journey. 

After giving birth I had to keep reminding myself that she was mine and her name was Bonnie. I kept thinking she was a little baby girl called Neya lying next to me and I couldn't really understand why she was there sometimes. I am guessing it was because I was scrolling through instagram while I was in labour and obviously thought I had Nikki's (@nikki_and_nugget) child next to me??! (I had had one hour sleep in 5 days so it may have been down to tiredness too) this carried on the whole time I was in hospital. 

As soon as I was home and for about 6 or 7 weeks afterwards, I kept thinking I had 2. I would put Bonnie down to sleep and then look for the other baby to put down. I woke up in the night on two occasions and was so upset because I 'couldn't find the other one' it took my husband a good couple of minutes to convince me at those times that we only had one. My health visitor said it was normal so I decided to open up to my antenatal group. I think I could tell by their faces that it wasn't a common thing!!  I came to the conclusion that I thought there was two as it was kind of like I had 2 completely different babies- she was AMAZING and absolute dream for the first 3 weeks- she fed well, she slept loads, she was content- she was a breeze- then week 3 hit and along came colic, feeding problems and silent reflux with it and it it was like someone had came and swapped her for another baby in the night. 

Another thing that happened was the fact that I couldn't quite comprehend that I had actually given birth. When people would say 'well done' I would feel as though I had just done a big exam and deep down I knew that I had cheated- I didn't do it properly. And whenever anyone would say how great it was that she was born on her due date I would say 'well she wasn't actually was she' I couldn't work out why I felt this way for ages. Going through it recently, I have worked out that the reason why I felt this way stems from having to be induced twice for her to come along. This mindset affected many things including bonding with my baby (which I will touch on another post) and giving myself that 'break' I needed as I had just put my body through so much. 

Those are the main things that stuck in my mind, but daily being a bit of a snappy bitch, talking absolutely no sense and crying at odd things are things that are just that come with having a child I guess. Crazy comes in all different levels- but don't panic, it happens to more people than you think- my mum didn't know who my sister was after she gave birth to her, she completely forgot she had had her! And my auntie was looking for a baby on top of the wardrobe! Just remember when you are panicking that someone will turn up and wheel you away in a straight jacket- it does get better! To the point where you can look back and have a laugh at that absolute crazy bitch you left behind!!

A M L 

LaLa xx

It's OK

Its OK to not read the baby books
It's OK to read all the baby books.
It's OK to breastfeed your baby in public. Try not to overthink it.
It's OK to feed your baby formula. There is nothing wrong with it, stop feeling guilty.
It's OK to stay in and do nothing all day. You're constantly being told to 'go out for your sanity' but some days you need to just stay in for that very reason.
It's OK to still wear your maternity jeans long after you've given birth. Normal jeans will never feel the same again.
It's OK to think 'what the hell have we done' then feel really guilty about it afterwards. Totally normal, everyone thinks it at least once just not everyone admits it
It's OK to not feel an overwhelming love and bond with your baby straight away. It'll come in time.
It's OK to hate breastfeeding. It's not for everyone.
It's OK to call the shots.  Say no to visitors wanting to come too soon or people coming round at silly times.
It's OK to feel like a right twat while singing and dancing around to the jolly babies Hokey Cokey.
It's OK to admit you're struggling. You'll be surprised who admits it too. Yes, even that mum who seems as though she had it all together.
It's OK to just go with the flow at the start. Routines can wait.
It's OK to just cuddle your baby for the first 6 weeks or so. They just want to be cuddled so put away the stimulating toys for a couple of weeks and enjoy your new born. It won't affect their future intelligence I promise.
It's OK to have a glass of wine. It won't affect your milk.
It's OK to miss work. And to envy your other half when he comes back from work with stories about his day. .
It's OK to cry.
It's OK to enjoy maternity leave and for it to feel like a bit of a jolly
It's OK to find mat leave really boring.
It's OK to use a dummy. And then wonder  why you hadn't sooner.
It's OK to just sponge the sick off your clothes and get on with your day.
It's OK to stay in hospital that extra night. Remember there's not a 24 hour call bell at home
It's OK to be a little bit crazy! Those hormones are powerful things!

Some from my antenatal girls-


It's OK to not be OK- sometimes you might just have a hard day and you don't end up getting out of your pj's- or the second you do they poo/sick up on you and you just have a little cry
It's OK to eat chocolate for breakfast
It's OK to feel guilty- are you talking to them enough, have you cuddled them enough, have you changed their nappy enough. Feeling guilty as you made the transition from breast to bottle earlier than you'd hoped, feeling guilty that you've let other people give them a bottle, feeling guilty that you've  let someone (other than you) look after them for a few hours
It's OK to cry every day for weeks on end- you've been though the most life changing experience- the hardest experience and an experience that no one (not even the million text books and websites you've been looking at) can prepare you for- but it's ok, it's motherhood
It's OK to put baby down when they haven't stopped crying for hours, walk away for a few moments and come back when you've taken some deep breaths
It's OK to have someone look after baby and spend time with your older children, it's important that they have one on one attention

AML

LaLa x

The craziest week of my life

The craziest week of my life

It was almost a year ago that everything in my life completely changed in a week. We had just got the keys to our house and I was only in a week before I was off to Marbella  on my hen do. I happily waved Elliott off (with boxes to unpack) and got on the plane with my mum and bridesmaid Sally. Everyone else was joining us at different times of the week. I'm not a big planner, I just said I'm flying out Tuesday for a week, everyone sort your own flights out and I'll see you there- first come first served with beds- and it all just kind of worked out as we had a nice number of 15 girls! (I love it when a completely unplanned event comes together!)

Thursday night was the night most people arrived so we partied at home, and were greeted to an email from my dad the next day to say that he had been sent an email by the neighbours solicitor about the noise! Friday was the fancy dress night out, Disney of course. We had drinks and hen games at home and then out to Peurto Banus. When I came home I was sick- which is the first time that had ever happened, and I remember thinking how weird it was as I had been a lot more drunk so many times before. But then if you're not sick on your hen do then did you really have a hen do?!

Saturday night we went to my favourite restaurant. I've been going there for my whole life and it still has the same staff. It's the kind of place you just think about all day if you know you are going there. But as soon as the food came out, my stomach turned and I couldn't eat. Now anyone who knows me knows I am NEVER put off my food. I just sat there sipping slowly on the same glass of wine all night. On the Sunday I did wonder if maybe I was pregnant, but obviously in Spain nowhere is open on a Sunday so I wouldn't have been able to get a test. On Monday we spent all day at a beach club by my house and I didn't think about it again.

Tuesday was the day I flew back to Bristol. I had had the best time but was so bummed about the fact I had been ill on my hen do- I never get ill so thought it was just typical that I was on my hen do. Again pregnancy entered my mind, and instead of dismissing it, I popped to the farmacia to get a test. Now, if I had thought that this test was going to be positive, I would have done it a lot differently, but all of a sudden I found myself sat on my bed with my bridesmaid, on my hen do, in Marbella just hours before I'm due to fly home,  both staring at a positive pregnancy test. (And frantically googling if the second line is faint is it still a positive?!) while trying to translate the instructions. When I say I would have done it differently, it was lovely that I found out with one of my closest friends, but I found myself sat there knowing I was pregnant and my husband was at home in a different country with absolutely no idea. I was in shock; over the years scans had shown that my endometriosis had become so severe, that the scar tissue had bound together my ovaries with my uterus and I was told that this may not happen for me.

I was so nervous on the plane home. I felt so sick and all I could smell was beer-breath on the guy behind me. (Oh, preggo nose!!) I played it over and over in my mind how I was going to tell Elliott, and all of a sudden the plane had landed.

Walking out at arrivals, I saw El straight away and looked at him completely differently. The father of my child and he didn't even know it yet. Putting the key into the door of our new home, I stood in outr empty kitchen surrounded by boxes of wedding stuff while everyone sat eating McDonald's wherever they could perch their bum and all I could think was how slowly it seemed that everyone was eating. When they all finally left, I found myself stood in our new kitchen, just us two and this was it. "Babe you know I was ill on my hen do, well I took a test and I'm pregnant"

Life. Changed.

What followed was a Ross Gellar moment of silence, then disbelief, then a dash upstairs to take another test. Which we didn't even have to wait for, it came up straight away.

So yeah, pretty crazy week!

A. M. L. Lala x

About me

About me 

My name is Laura (or 'LaLa' as my nieces and nephews call me) and I live in Portishead; a town in Bristol, UK with my husband and baby daughter, Bonnie.  I am 27 years young, 5ft 1, (my body shape is more 'out' than 'up') and I love food. (which explains the 'out' and not 'up' body type!) I am a 'Slimming Worlder' and a new mum certainly trying to 'wing it' when it comes to motherhood. I am stubborn, very honest, and am just trying to do the best job i can in raising my daughter to be happy, healthy, have courage, and be kind. 
<3
I have wanted to start a blog for a while, and have been told by so many people to do it, but have always just assumed no one would really care what I had to say. But since having my daughter and struggling with different aspects of being a new mum, I wanted to share my honest account of my journey through motherhood. The good amazing moments, the 'is 2pm too early for wine' moments, and the 'is it just me' and 'I am just shit at this' moments. Because even though I am so lucky to be blessed with a child of my own, its not always rainbows and butterflies, is it.
So this is me. Sharing my full experience of a 9 month maternity leave and I am really excited about it. I hope you enjoy reading and hopefully getting some comfort along the way. Because you are not the only one. There are so many people feeling the same emotions. And I am ready to share mine with you! 

All my Love, La La x