On reflection

I am sitting here on the marina, its a lovely sunny day, and I am alone; with a full coffee and an empty pushchair. I feel calm and collected; yet I have a little anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. (I often wonder if this feeling will ever disappear!) Rewind to this time last year, I would have hated being in a coffee shop alone.  Conscious that people would think I was some sort of weird loner who no one wanted to have coffee with. Now, as I people watch, accepting politely the looks and nods off other mums with full pushchairs, (that knowing 'oh lucky you having a childfree hour' nod and their smile that almost says 'you enjoy that coffee hun') I am enjoying each sip of my skinny vanilla latte and every second of my own company.  Sometimes all a mother needs is just some child free time to sit and gather her thoughts. Before I had a baby I thought thats all you'd have time to do, but it couldn't actually be further from the truth.

I have always been good at sharing how I feel about things, but maternity leave- and motherhood in general- is a very hard feeling to describe. I hate to say it, and the pre-baby me would be screaming at me for saying this- but it definitely is the sort of thing that if you haven't been there yourself, you literally have no idea.  Here I am harping on about how great it is sat in Costa on my own, (note to self- I need to get out more!) but if you have read my first blog post on maternity leave, you'll know how lonely I have found mat leave to be. I'm not really giving myself a chance here am I? Here I am saying how it's been a lonely 7 months, but I enjoy the rare times I have to myself. Hear me out though- there is a massive difference between being on your own and being alone with a baby- when you are on your own it really makes you realise how much that little cute human is literally at the forefront of your minds at all times and how you literally do not have time to think about yourself- or to think at all sometimes!

During those days at the beginning where I had a newborn who seemed to be constantly attached to my breast I found it so hard to imagine ever being in a place like this- not just physically being without her but also in this state of mind. A place where I can feel a little more 'myself' again.  Even a place where I can be 'Laura- that property developer' and not just 'Bonnie's mum'. The past 7 months have flown by, but on the other hand, those first few months seem like a lifetime ago.  I am not going to lie, the newborn stage was not always an enjoyable time for me.  And that is OK to say! Did I feel grateful? Yes. Was the bond instant? Not exactly.  Was I in love with her? Of course. Did I enjoy every moment? Nope. If anything, the first 4 months were a blur. When something hits you quite hard mentally, its amazing how it can just drop out of your mind. Those first months were a blur to me- I experienced what I can only describe as a 'mummy dementia' during this time. I felt guilty for so long about this, but I just want to say to anyone feeling the same, not everyone is going to enjoy every last second and you have your child for the rest of your life- think of all the memories you have yet to make. I am certainly making up for it now, and it doesn't fill me with guilt anymore.

I always wonder if I lived maternity leave to the fullest- but thinking about it, I believe I tried my absolute best. My mantra was to say yes to everything as much as possible and it really meant that I got the most out of my time on mat leave.  I met up with mum groups as much as I could, I met up with other mums in the area one on one for a chat which sometimes is just what's needed, I did baby massage, jolly babies, moo music, puddle ducks, baby sensory, messy play, mother and baby groups, pretty much every thing to get out and about. Some groups were great, some weren't so, but the main thing was I never had an element of doubt or 'I wish I had done this or that'. I tried pretty much everything.  That still doesn't mean I don't feel guilty- did I play with her enough? Did I spend too much time on my phone? Did I stimulate her enough, or educate her enough? Did I let her pick up on my negative energy? Did I let her watch too much T.V? Did I talk to her or sing to her enough? Do I rush bath time? Have I wished for her bed time too many times? Believe me, the guilt is there- it's very real.

Why do we feel guilty? What is it that makes us feel like we haven't done enough? How are we feeling like we haven't played enough or let them watch too much TV? What is it that is making us come to this conclusion? Comparison. Comparison has everything to blame for mum guilt, and with the ever growing mum networks on social media especially, this is something everyone needs to put a bit into perspective once in a while. Let me paint you a picture- you've had a shit day. I mean its been HARD. One of those days where you have ventured out, your child starts having a meltdown and  you've thought fuck it, turned around and gone back home. You moan to your friends, your sister, your mum.  You may even post on Instagram that you have had it tough today in the hope that someone out there knows the feeling and it may make you feel you are not the only one. You hand over your child to your partner as soon as they get through the door because you just cannot parent for one more minute of the day. Child goes to bed and you pour yourself a large glass of well deserved wine because tomorrow's another day. You flick through Instagram and here come the inspirational quotes- 'enjoy every moment' or 'live each day as if it were your last' and you just feel like a shit ungrateful person who obviously just doesn't love their child enough. Let me tell you something- you can live your life without savouring every moment.  Don't get me wrong, I take some time every day to really think about how lucky I am- but I do not sit and smile when Bonnies screaming her head off because I am just 'savouring the moment' and I wasn't 'savouring the moment' while scrubbing yellow newborn poo from off my fingernails. Its just not realistic. Thats not to say that being a miserable cow the whole time is the way forward, but it is OK to sometimes admit your day has just been a bit- shit. And those Instagram accounts where everything is rainbows and butterflies?? You know deep down that shit just aint real.

Once I accepted that my journey was unique, and not make comparisons to sometimes very unrealistic perceptions of motherhood, it became a lot easier to get my head around. I stopped seeing the first few months as something that I had 'missed' and started to view it as a stepping stone- a period of time that brought us up to where we are now. Everything happens for a reason, and you've got to take the highs with the lows- it's all part of your own unique journey. Just remember- the end of maternity leave marks the beginning of something new- no one is going to come and take your baby away once mat leave is over. So you may regret not joining that baby group- don't dwell on it and just think of the time you have left to make memories.

It's been an absolute pleasure spending the first 7 months daily with my daughter- seeing her change and grow into the amazing little character she is now. We've had highs and lows- but it's amazing how the lows just seem to diminish month by month and are replaced by the highs that just completely overshadow those hard times.

We are both starting our own journeys. Me going back to work with a whole new perspective. My daughter has taught me so much about myself. I can be a little bit of the old me again- which is what I craved so much during the low times at the beginning. I can use my brain a little more and have non baby related conversations. Make important decisions (which actually don't seem as important now in the whole scheme of things) Things I have really missed doing.
Bon has already started her journey. The strangest thing about Bonnie starting nursery is the fact that I have always been part of every aspect of her life and now she's having her own little part of her life that I won't be involved with. Meeting new friends who I won't know, singing songs that I don't know the words to, playing games that I have not played before- it's the strangest feeling. It's exciting to think about how much I will see her develop because of this. And she's the most amazing little person, it's time to let others experience the little Bonnie I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last 7 months. So go on Bon- this is your time to show everyone what an amazing little girl you are. I can't keep you to myself forever.

A.M.L 

LaLa x