I was going to wait until I had completely finished feeding altogether before I wrote this, but I feel as though I need to get it all down while it's still so fresh in my mind.
Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
There are so many stages to BFing that I went through, and it has been the biggest journey. A big rocky rollercoaster of a journey. Basically all in all, me and my body just weren't cut out for it- but it didn't matter how many health professionals there were that told me this- I wanted to fight the battle anyway. Why, I hear you ask? God only knows I'm still asking myself that very question. These are the stages I went through before getting to where I am now-
Pre-birth.
I really want to breastfeed. I've been told it's hard but it's a challenge I want to crack. I wonder if it will hurt. I want to breastfeed as its easier once you've got it cracked. I want to breastfeed as it burns loads of calories and will help me get back to pre pregnancy weight. (UM, LOL) I really want to have a close bond with my baby and breastfeeding will really help with this.
In labour
I don't give a flying fuck how this baby is fed. As long as it gets here safely and is FED I'm really not caring where that milk comes from.
After birth
Fuck knows what was going through my mind at this stage, it was all a bit of a blur. All I know is I did breastfeed, and I think it was ok.
In hospital
I chose to stay in hospital for longer than I had to as although it was horrible getting absolutely no sleep and hearing everyone else's babies cry through the night, I wanted to get the feeding cracked. I also knew there wasn't a 24 hour buzzer for a midwife at home and that kinda terrified me.
What I learned was how amazing and valuable it is to find a midwife like I did, a Polish lady called Pav who, if it wasn't for her, myself and probably a lot of other women out there wouldn't be breastfeeding. I've been meaning to write to her to thank her but, well you know how it is.
The
Once home, Bonnie lost 7% of her body weight, which was fine. (They can lose up to 10% without going back in to hospital.) I got on with the breastfeeding and had the normal first week probs- your milk coming in (mine came in the day after I got home from hospital- part of me was like 'so that's what I would look like if I had a boob job' and the other part of me just couldn't believe how uncomfortable it was. The midwife visited this day, and I remember being sat naked on the sofa in my kitchen, the midwife was literally milking me (or hand expressing if you want the 'technical term) into a plastic pink cup Elliott found in the cupboard. I remember just wanting to ease how uncomfortable I was feeling, and didn't care how it was done. Along with the massive Katie Price tits comes the feeling like your nips are going to drop off at any minute, that toe curling pain you get each time baby latches on, and as soon as the pain finally starts to ease, your baby starts to cluster feed and you just feel like your only purpose in life is to feed feed feed. It's HARD. And well I felt like I had lost myself.
The positive thing is that it was all NORMAL. the pain, the milk coming in and being so uncomfortable, it was all completely normal. I was lucky as Bonnie had a good latch and the feeding was going well. I also didn't care about feeding in public- my confidence grew and it never really was an issue for me. I tried specialist breastfeeding tops and a friends cape thing but I just found them way too faffy. So yea, everything was going really well.
Until it all changed.
Just as I thought I'd cracked it, the pain had eased, my nipples were feeling more normal, and her latch and feeding was going well, it all seemed great until week 3. It was almost like she has just forgotten how to do it. This was the same week Bonnie started having colic, and it was like someone had swapped her for a different baby all in that same week. (One of the reasons why I kept thinking I had 2 babies- see my blog post on my post natal crazy state!!) The feeding problems started to be just at night at the beginning, I remember the first night she stared fussing Elliott had all his family round for his birthday- his nan saw me struggling and was trying to tell me how to feed Bonnie- she was coming towards me and ended up pushing Bonnies head on my boob which got Bonnie even more worked up. Obviously she was only trying to help- but needless to say I spent the rest of the night feeding her in the nursery while everyone else enjoyed a Chinese takeaway downstairs and this is where and when I did my first ever insta story.
The weeks that followed showed Bonnies weight go down until she was settling between 9th and 2nd percentile. Health visitors were concerned about her weight more every week and I just constantly felt like a failure. I couldn't even feed my baby- I couldn't give her what she needed. I went to the doctor and all anyone could say was to give her formula. Why wasn't I listening to their advice? I was completely ignoring it while still trying to feed her and she was not getting enough. She was hungry and it's not what I needed with a colicky baby with silent reflux then added into the mix. I remember a stage that lasted about 3 weeks where if she was awake, she was crying. I never had even a second of her being content. She was just such an unhappy unsettled baby. The doctor even had to stop her 6 week check and rebook it because she was too unsettled to have one.
At 6 weeks, I was feeling mentally drained with everything happening and felt tied to this baby but not in a good way. She was giving me 20 minutes maximum between each feed and I she was fussing on every single feed. I expressed and Elliott gave her a bottle for the first time. I remember this so well because we gave her the bottle that came with the medela swing breast pump I had and she wouldn't take it. I literally just broke down watching her refuse this bottle. I felt like I had lost every last bit of freedom and it took away any hope I had in expressing being able to take the pressure off. I then remembered that we had been given a MAM bottle at the baby show; we tried it and she took it. The relief and guilt that I felt that night I will always remember. I battled on with the feeding and expressing but found it impossible to express as she was a needy baby who had to always be held. I just didn't have the time as I was pumping about 1-2 oz an hour.
At 8 weeks, I was referred to a tongue tie specialist as the health visitor said she most definitely had tongue tie and as soon as it was cut the problems I had feeding should disappear. I went to the specialist where she told me there was no tongue tie. I was then referred to a breast feeding specialist. The breast feeding specialist then mentioned medication for my milk supply so that was the next stage.
At 8 weeks I was put on Domperidone. They don't give this to you easily, but the doctor could see I had gone down every route to try to breastfeed so prescribed me a weeks worth. (They normally only give you a week as they don't like to prescribe any more due to side effects) the doctor said to me there and then that my body just wasn't cut out for feeding and anyone else would have stopped trying by now. She did say she admired my determination but it was ok to just say enough was enough. Domperidone did the trick with the supply- I had one week of really good feeding, and Bonnie went up from the 2nd to the 9th percentile that week. Then her feeding started to go down hill again. I did try a more natural remedy, fenugreek, which I did find helped actually, whether it was a placebo or not I don't know, but I did see a different.
At 10 weeks I decided to give her a bottle of formula. But I found it really hard for some reason. So I battled on for another 2 weeks then I hit the 12 week mark and thought enough was enough.
Combined feeding
Combined feeding changed me for the better. I was so worried about losing all my supply but if anything it made it better. The fact that I was more full when I was feeding her after a formula feed meant she took more from me. I started giving her top ups and now she has 2 bottles of formula a day and all the other feeds are breast feeds through the day where she feeds really well and doesn't fuss. I also think a key factor was the fact that when I was feeding I knew I had a back up bottle and it relaxed me knowing I had a plan b if Bonnie was going to get fussy. Especially if I was in public. I have found a happy medium and it has worked wonders for me and my mental health too. I HATED breastfeeding.
Why I didn't do it before? There are many reasons why. Firstly, the bond I had with my baby wasn't instant. This is SUCH a hard subject to speak about because no one talks about it. I thought about never ever speaking about it because I was and still am quite embarrassed and ashamed of the fact I didn't get this overwhelming instant bond with my baby. But that would just add to the problem that I feltile I was the only one this happened to. I know there are other people out there that have felt the same. It took time and effort but we got there in the end. I had it in my head that if I stopped breastfeeding then the bond would never come and this was something that terrified me.
Secondly was the pressure I had personally from someone close to me who was giving me a lot of support breastfeeding wise. I didn't want to let them down.
One thing that in my opinion needs to change, is the support you get before giving birth to manage expectations in new mothers wanting to breastfeed. I remember in my antenatal classes just sitting in groups drawing some clock on an a2 piece of paper and a sharpie pen. We were told it burns loads of calories, helps to bond and if it hurts then you're doing it wrong. If they were more realistic, they would probably find more people would breastfeed. Yes it does hurt at the beginning. That's normal. (Sooo many people would stop feeding thinking they were doing it wrong because that's what they've been told) also, how was I supposed to know my milk wouldn't come in until day 4? The day 3 me totally thought my milk was never going to come in- I didn't know it could take that long.
A couple of things that helped me along the way-
Best disposable breastpads- Lansinoh (purple packet)
Lifesavers- LANOLIN
MAM breast pads (they are expensive- £10 a pack which is 5 goes but omg totally worth it!!!)
Also learning to breastfeed lying down early on make morning feeds all sleepy and lovely.
And most importantly, how ever you choose to feed your baby, do what's best for YOU. Both methods are perfectly acceptable for your baby, so think about yourself and do what's right for you and your own wellbeing. If you're happier it means your baby is happier and that is the most important thing in the world.
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