Things I thank my pregnant self for

A good few months ago, I did an insta story about things I did when I was pregnant that I thought were a pretty good idea. The response I had was amazing, actually and I was slightly taken aback with how many people said they found it so useful. I'm also so shocked every day when I get asked for advice- I have always said I don't really know what I am doing and I am just riding this parenting wave, so I never claim to be an expert. But if I can share anything about my pregnancy, it would be this-

Buying baby clothes-

We didn't do a lot of this, probably due to the fact that we didn't know the sex of our baby, but a little tip my sister gave me was to do the exact opposite to what you naturally want to do- do not wash new baby clothes- keep the tags on. In this case, you can swap for different sizes if needed. You do not know what size your baby is going to be and how long they will be in them for. Bonnie was in tiny baby, (which we had none of) for the first month and newborn until she was 12 weeks. I was convinced my baby would be straight into 0-3 but this wasn't the case. She was in 0-3 for about 2 weeks then went up 2 percentiles and was straight into 3-6.

The Baby Show.

I know it's hard, but if you can wait until the baby show to buy your big stuff, then DO IT!! Everything is so much cheaper there and you can be so smart about buying stuff too. So I went a little crazy when it came to the baby show, but I was a crazy preggo bitch who knew what she wanted and i got it. I decided I wanted the bugaboo donkey weekender and was really hoping they had it on display so that I could buy it at a discounted price. I booked tickets for the Sunday which was the last day and I was right at the front of the queue so when they let everyone in, I was in there looking for that exact pram. I found it on a podium and asked if I could buy it. i managed to get £400 off this pram in the end because it was on display and even bought the add on so I could turn it into a double in the future. Obviously this will only work on the last day, and you have to stay all day as you have to return at the end to pick it up, but it's worth it for how cheap you can buy display models for. Go for lunch or something then come back, make a day of it. And make sure you have room in the car as you take it away that day!! Once I had secured that, I could then relax and enjoy all the bargains! Pretty much everything has at least 10-20% off and if you buy in bulk, you can bargain loads too.

If you cannot make the baby show, sign up for the 'expectant parent' event at your local Mothercare where everything is 10 or 20% off on the night.

Antenatal groups

This is probably the most valuable thing I did in my pregnancy. Whether you choose NCT, NHS or both, don't pass up the opportunity to attend these- the NHS ones are free so why not?! I planned to do both NCT and NHS, but missed the boat on NCT so just did NHS. The content of these classes is not what I found so valuable; it was the fact that you are sat in a room of 10 or so others that are in the exact same boat as you. The antenatal classes in our area are one of the things which have suffered unfortunate cuts recently and has gone down from 4 classes to 2. You cannot get to know people well in that amount of time! The constant of this class surprised me- I don't know what I expected to be honest, but one class was about pain relief, and one about breastfeeding. I was kind of expecting to learn how to swaddle, change a nappy even, and was surprised (and scared?!) about how little I knew still about keeping a mini human alive- I just assumed I would leave the class a fountain of parental knowledge. Looking back, I was glad I had little information to weigh me down- the midwives talk you through that kind of stuff when your baby is here, so don't sweat it. Anyway, back to the most important thing- those other pregnant people in the room with you. In my group, they passed around a 'contact sheet' which had named, numbers, addresses, due dates and emails on it. By the end of the last session, I felt a little deflated; I went to meet people and I had made no friends. I heard so much about mums being so close to those in their antenatal groups and it terrified me that I would know no other mums in my area. I spoke to my husband about my feelings about it that night and he said why don't I just get in touch with them. The best way I found to do this, was to create a group on Facebook, and then separately email them all with the group details. This left joining the group completely in their court and it meant that those who didn't really want to do the whole mum group-coffee-and-cake- meet ups wouldn't feel obliged. Waiting for people to join the group was nerve wracking; but one by one, the requests came in, and as they say, the rest is history. I have the loveliest group of girls that I meet up with weekly. Their advice, their company and their shoulders I have most certainly cried on have been very appreciated over the past 5 months.

If you cannot make an antenatal group, or have none in your area, try a prenatal class. I did prenatal yoga and water bumps.  I found water bumps fantastic.  It was a nice relaxing hour of 'me time' and I felt that I could really tune in with my body and baby during that one hour a week.

Hospital bag buys-

I think I may do a separate post on hospital bag, and I've put a few of my best breastfeeding items in my BF post, but the one thing I would say to stock the hell up on like your life depends on it would be maternity pads. Buy what you think you need, then double it, then double again and you probably still won't have enough.  Brand wise, I found Boots own crap.  Boots own everything was a bit of a let down, to be honest which was great as I had bloody loads as they are always on 3 for 2.  Best maternity pads were from Mothercare in my opinion.

I will most likely be adding to this post as time goes on, but these are definitely my top tips.

A.M.L,

LaLa x

My breastfeeding journey

My breastfeeding journey

I was going to wait until I had completely finished feeding altogether before I wrote this, but I feel as though I need to get it all down while it's still so fresh in my mind.
Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
There are so many stages to BFing that I went through, and it has been the biggest journey. A big rocky rollercoaster of a journey. Basically all in all, me and my body just weren't cut out for it- but it didn't matter how many health professionals there were that told me this- I wanted to fight the battle anyway. Why, I hear you ask? God only knows I'm still asking myself that very question. These are the stages I went through before getting to where I am now-

Pre-birth.

I really want to breastfeed. I've been told it's hard but it's a challenge I want to crack.  I wonder if it will hurt. I want to breastfeed as its easier once you've got it cracked. I want to breastfeed as it burns loads of calories and will help me get back to pre pregnancy weight. (UM, LOL) I really want to have a close bond with my baby and breastfeeding will really help with this.

In labour

I don't give a flying fuck how this baby is fed. As long as it gets here safely and is FED I'm really not caring where that milk comes from.

After birth

Fuck knows what was going through my mind at this stage, it was all a bit of a blur. All I know is I did breastfeed, and I think it was ok.

In hospital

I chose to stay in hospital for longer than I had to as although it was horrible getting absolutely no sleep and hearing everyone else's babies cry through the night, I wanted to get the feeding cracked. I also knew there wasn't a 24 hour buzzer for a midwife at home and that kinda terrified me.
What I learned was how amazing and valuable it is to find a midwife like I did, a Polish lady called Pav who, if it wasn't for her, myself and probably a lot of other women out there wouldn't be breastfeeding. I've been meaning to write to her to thank her but, well you know how it is.
The
Once home, Bonnie lost 7% of her body weight, which was fine. (They can lose up to 10% without going back in to hospital.) I got on with the breastfeeding and had the normal first week probs- your milk coming in (mine came in the day after I got home from hospital- part of me was like 'so that's what I would look like if I had a boob job' and the other part of me just couldn't believe how uncomfortable it was. The midwife visited this day, and I remember being sat naked on the sofa in my kitchen, the midwife was literally milking me (or hand expressing if you want the 'technical term) into a plastic pink cup Elliott found in the cupboard. I remember just wanting to ease how uncomfortable I was feeling, and didn't care how it was done. Along with the massive Katie Price tits comes the feeling like your nips are going to drop off at any minute, that toe curling pain you get each time baby latches on, and as soon as the pain finally starts to ease, your baby starts to cluster feed and you just feel like your only purpose in life is to feed feed feed. It's HARD. And well I felt like I had lost myself.

The positive thing is that it was all NORMAL. the pain, the milk coming in and being so uncomfortable, it was all completely normal. I was lucky as Bonnie had a good latch and the feeding was going well. I also didn't care about feeding in public- my confidence grew and it never really was an issue for me. I tried specialist breastfeeding tops and a friends cape thing but I just found them way too faffy. So yea, everything was going really well.

Until it all changed.

Just as I thought I'd cracked it, the pain had eased, my nipples were feeling more normal, and her latch and feeding was going well, it all seemed great until week 3. It was almost like she has just forgotten how to do it. This was the same week Bonnie started having colic, and it was like someone had swapped her for a different baby all in that same week. (One of the reasons why I kept thinking I had 2 babies- see my blog post on my post natal crazy state!!) The feeding problems started to be just at night at the beginning, I remember the first night she stared fussing Elliott had all his family round for his birthday- his nan saw me struggling and was trying to tell me how to feed Bonnie- she was coming towards me and ended up pushing Bonnies head on my boob which got Bonnie even more worked up. Obviously she was only trying to help- but needless to say I spent the rest of the night feeding her in the nursery while everyone else enjoyed a Chinese takeaway downstairs  and this is where and when I did my first ever insta story.

The weeks that followed showed Bonnies weight go down until she was settling between 9th and 2nd percentile. Health visitors were concerned about her weight more every week and I just constantly felt like a failure. I couldn't even feed my baby- I couldn't give her what she needed. I went to the doctor and all anyone could say was to give her formula. Why wasn't I listening to their advice? I was completely ignoring it while still trying to feed her and she was not getting enough. She was hungry and it's not what I needed with a colicky baby with  silent reflux then added into the mix. I remember a stage that lasted about 3 weeks where if she was awake, she was crying. I never had even a second of her being content. She was just such an unhappy unsettled baby. The doctor even had to stop her 6 week check and rebook it because she was too unsettled to have one.

At 6 weeks, I was feeling mentally drained with everything happening and felt tied to this baby but not in a good way. She was giving me 20 minutes maximum between each feed and I she was fussing on every single feed. I expressed and Elliott gave her a bottle for the first time. I remember this so well because we gave her the bottle that came with the medela swing breast pump I had and she wouldn't take it. I literally just broke down watching her refuse this bottle. I felt like I had lost every last bit of freedom and it took away any hope I had in expressing being able to take the pressure off. I then remembered that we had been given a MAM bottle at the baby show; we tried it and she took it. The relief and guilt that I felt that night I will always remember. I battled on with the feeding and expressing but found it impossible to express as she was a needy baby who had to always be held. I just didn't have the time as I was pumping about 1-2 oz an hour.
At 8 weeks, I was referred to a tongue tie specialist as the health visitor said she most definitely had tongue tie and as soon as it was cut the problems I had feeding should disappear. I went to the specialist where she told me there was no tongue tie. I was then referred to a breast feeding specialist. The breast feeding specialist then mentioned medication for my milk supply so that was the next stage.
At 8 weeks I was put on Domperidone. They don't give this to you easily, but the doctor could see I had gone down every route to try to breastfeed so prescribed me a weeks worth. (They normally only give you a week as they don't like to prescribe any more due to side effects) the doctor said to me there and then that my body just wasn't cut out for feeding and anyone else would have stopped trying by now. She did say she admired my determination but it was ok to just say enough was enough. Domperidone did the trick with the supply- I had one week of really good feeding, and Bonnie went up from the 2nd to the 9th percentile that week. Then her feeding started to go down hill again. I did try a more natural remedy, fenugreek, which I did find helped actually, whether it was a placebo or not I don't know, but I did see a different.
At 10 weeks I decided to give her a bottle of formula. But I found it really hard for some reason. So I battled on for another 2 weeks then I hit the 12 week mark and thought enough was enough.

Combined feeding

Combined feeding changed me for the better. I was so worried about losing all my supply but if anything it made it better. The fact that I was more full when I was feeding her after a formula feed meant she took more from me. I started giving her top ups and now she has 2 bottles of formula a day and all the other feeds are breast feeds through the day where she feeds really well and doesn't fuss. I also think a key factor was the fact that when I was feeding I knew I had a back up bottle and it relaxed me knowing I had a plan b if Bonnie was going to get fussy. Especially if I was in public. I have found a happy medium and it has worked wonders for me and my mental health too. I HATED breastfeeding.

 Why I didn't do it before? There are many reasons why. Firstly, the bond I had with my baby wasn't instant. This is SUCH a hard subject to speak about because no one talks about it. I thought about never ever speaking about it because I was and still am quite embarrassed and ashamed of the fact I didn't get this overwhelming instant bond with my baby. But that would just add to the problem that I feltile I was the only one this happened to. I know there are other people out there that have felt the same. It took time and effort but we got there in the end. I had it in my head that if I stopped breastfeeding then the bond would never come and this was something that terrified me.

Secondly was the pressure I had personally from someone close to me who was giving me a lot of support breastfeeding wise. I didn't want to let them down.

One thing that in my opinion needs to change, is the support you get before giving birth to manage expectations in new mothers wanting to breastfeed. I remember in my antenatal classes just sitting in groups drawing some clock on an a2 piece of paper and a sharpie pen. We were told it burns loads of calories, helps to bond and if it hurts then you're doing it wrong. If they were more realistic, they would probably find more people would breastfeed. Yes it does hurt at the beginning. That's normal. (Sooo many people would stop feeding thinking they were doing it wrong because that's what they've been told) also, how was I supposed to know my milk wouldn't come in until day 4? The day 3 me totally thought my milk was never going to come in- I didn't know it could take that long.

A couple of things that helped me along the way-

Best disposable breastpads- Lansinoh (purple packet)

Lifesavers- LANOLIN 

MAM breast pads (they are expensive- £10 a pack which is 5 goes but omg totally worth it!!!) 

Also learning to breastfeed lying down early on make morning feeds all sleepy and lovely. 

And most importantly, how ever you choose to feed your baby, do what's best for YOU. Both methods are perfectly acceptable for your baby, so think about yourself and do what's right for you and your own wellbeing. If you're happier it means your baby is happier and that is the most important thing in the world.

 

 

One Year Married

What a year this has been. This time last year we were leaving the Shangri la London to go to the airport for honeymoon- the destination had been kept a secret and I had just found out I was off to Bali. I was excited, giddy, fresh and in the early stages of pregnancy.

For our one year anniversary, there was only one place we wanted to go- back to our favourite place, the Shangri La London.

What I love about this hotel, is that it is a five star London hotel in the same sort of band as the well known nice hotels in London, yet it has avoided what I call the 'ponceyness' (I'm not really about all that posh stuck up your own ass shit) and it's just nice and grounded. I like the fact it's avoided Mayfair and has its own little place. It's different. And I like that. this hotel is faultless. The staff are fantastic and will go out of their way to make you happy. The staff are all local and are trained in Asian customer service they are right on it, but discreet and not overly attentive. The best thing about this hotel is obviously the view you get from everywhere. Bars, pool, gym, (apparently! How would I know) loos, and your room. As you walk in, shutters automatically come up to reveal breathtaking views of London. We always upgrade on our room and I do recommended doing this if you can. Upgrading will take you from a view of the outskirts of London to a city view. There is a bit of a price tag with this hotel, you're talking around £600 a night but if you really make the most of it, I think it is worth every single hard earned penny.

We decided to take Bonnie when going this time. It was the 4th time we have stayed at the hotel. It's our first family break and we were really excited about showing Bon our favourite place. We also decided to drive there. That was a mistake. It started off badly- as soon as we left, she started screaming. It didn't last long, she slept for about an hour and a half, and when she woke up, we went to the next services then back in the car where she went back to sleep for another couple of hours. Perfect. Until we got to London and it look almost 2 hours to travel 4 miles. It ended up in me and Bonnie both crying and poor Elliott having to deal with London traffic and us 2 crying. It was stressful to say the least. We had also decided to put loads of stuff in the back seat of the car so I couldn't sit in the back. Very clever. When we got to the hotel after more than 5 hours of driving, we went for afternoon tea. (An hour after our reservation- our second mistake- just don't bother making reservations and go with the flow). For afternoon tea, next time I would probably chance it anyway. There were plenty of tables there for you to just walk in without a reservation. We just walked in last time to be fair it was a Thursday. I didn't expect that on a Saturday so good to know for next time. Afternoon tea at the shard is just the absolute dream. You can go there if you are not staying at the hotel, and I recommend it as a nice present for a birthday or something. I think for a champagne afternoon tea, it's around £70pp. That is just for one glass though and if you're like me you can't just have one!  They have a pianist and it just topped everything off that she was playing loads of Disney music. Bonnie slept the whole time- it did take me taking her upstairs to the room, stripping off and feeding her on the bed then getting back dressed and taking her back down to the restaurant, but she slept.

As we had Bonnie with us we decided to order room service to replace going out for dinner. I mean we have the same view as the restaurant anyway and by doing this we are really making the most of our room. She's normally down by 8:30 at the latest so we thought around 9 we would be sat having some nice food. Well picture us at 10:30 still trying to get her to sleep and eating one handed. I suppose that's the thing about having a baby nothing really goes to plan. Once she was down not long after this, we all slept through until 7 and it was hands down the best sleep I've had since I had Bonnie. I need to invest in black out blinds for home.

The next day we had breakfast in the hotel and went for Bonnies first swim. She loved it. It was lovely watching Bonnie and her daddy in the pool, and was lovely for Elliott to share on of her 'firsts' with her. It did make me think how lucky I am, and that maybe I should focus less on how hard motherhood is and more on how lovely it can be at times.

We then met my sister who lives in London at a chocolate bar near Borough market. It's called Rabot and I would definitely recommend to any chocoholics out there. The hot chocolates are to die for- chilli hot choc, anyone?? And the smell of chocolate hits you as you walk in. It's dec'd out all industrial-like which if you've ever seen our house, it's right down our street. 

 

 

We then went back to the hotel to pick up the car. Our luggage had all been packed in the car for us, with bottles of Evian in the cup holders which was a lovely touch. The journey back was so so much better than on the way, and Bon was an absolute dream. 

Going away with a baby was very different to going without- obviously!! At some points I said to Elliott 'why did we even do this' or 'we were kidding ourselves to think that we could do the same kind of things that we did without a baby' and yes, we can't do some things we used to be able to do before. But I wouldn't change it for the world. You may have to alter things, but I enjoyed it so much more this time round being a three not a 2 :) 

What we took- 

Sleepyhead

Baby's bath things and toiletries 

Toys

Pram

Swim nappies and swimsuit for Bonnie

What we didn't take 

Baby bjorn 

Rain cover for pram 

(Both we wouldn't have used in the end so that's good) 

Swimsuit for me! However it was nice for Elliott to take Bon for her first swim on her own. 

Stuff we shouldn't have taken 

The car

Toiletries for baby as hotel provided 

What I would have done differently- 

Take the train! 

If driving again I would have done it differently! I would have stopped at the last service station before we got into the city so she was changed and fed just before we went into London! It's so much easier to stop when you're on the motorway, but once you're stuck in Knightsbridge it's not so easy!!

        

Bons adventure book

Something I have always thanked my parents for is the fact that I have been lucky enough to travel. I have also thanked them for allowing me to experience different cultures which has helped me in so many ways. I want Bonnie to be able to experience this too. I want her to be able to say hello in different languages, to know about different religions and beliefs, to (fingers crossed) like food from many different countries, she may even be eating with chopsticks at 5 years old like I was. I want her to see the world at a young age and for us to be with her on her adventures until she is old enough to go and explore on her own. This is why myself and Elliott have decided to go on one big holiday- a holiday of a lifetime in some ways, travelling for 7 months just before Bonnie starts school.

Until then, we have some little and big trips coming up that I would like to share on this blog. Reviews, tips, recommendations, mistakes I've made, what I packed, what I didn't and wish I had, literally everything about my trip so I can either help someone else or look back on as I'm going to try and write each post as it's fresh on my mind. I'll be posting about short trips, long trips, as well as trips away on a budget and some more higher budget ones too.

I've bought Bonnie a little adventure scrap book along with a go pro and I'm looking forward to filling it up with lots of lovely memories and adventures of Bon!


AML LaLa xx

A little bit of crazy

One of the things that I was most surprised about after I had my gorgeous little girl was the fact that I changed so much. And not in the 'look at you at all the baby groups you always said you wouldn't go to' kinda change, but, how can I put this... I went. A. Little. Crazy.

My birth wasn't straightforward- I will touch on how it affected me later down the line on another blog post (I'm not quite ready to share this yet, but I will) I don't think I will ever put my actual birth story on here. Don't get me wrong, I love a good birth story, especially a good one, but... no. 

After having her with a good amount of gas and air I remember while having stitches asking the midwife, "can you ever have too much of this?" The answer was no so I just went for it. The hospital bed turned into a lilo floating on a pool in Marbs, I was at a rave at my local club, I was in a room full of clowns, (I was hugging a big clown at one point) at one point I was in Newquay and I had flashbacks to being in a club when I was 18. Loving life. 

Obviously this was all down to gas and air- something I knew would wear off and I would become my normal un-crazy self again. What I didn't know, what no one ever told me, was that actually the crazy may hang around for a while longer- this was nothing to do with gas and air- it was all down to those pesky hormones. Oxytocin and prolactin are the hormones you produce when you're feeding- and they are a big mix of crazy when they are in my body. Everyone is different, but this is my crazy journey. 

After giving birth I had to keep reminding myself that she was mine and her name was Bonnie. I kept thinking she was a little baby girl called Neya lying next to me and I couldn't really understand why she was there sometimes. I am guessing it was because I was scrolling through instagram while I was in labour and obviously thought I had Nikki's (@nikki_and_nugget) child next to me??! (I had had one hour sleep in 5 days so it may have been down to tiredness too) this carried on the whole time I was in hospital. 

As soon as I was home and for about 6 or 7 weeks afterwards, I kept thinking I had 2. I would put Bonnie down to sleep and then look for the other baby to put down. I woke up in the night on two occasions and was so upset because I 'couldn't find the other one' it took my husband a good couple of minutes to convince me at those times that we only had one. My health visitor said it was normal so I decided to open up to my antenatal group. I think I could tell by their faces that it wasn't a common thing!!  I came to the conclusion that I thought there was two as it was kind of like I had 2 completely different babies- she was AMAZING and absolute dream for the first 3 weeks- she fed well, she slept loads, she was content- she was a breeze- then week 3 hit and along came colic, feeding problems and silent reflux with it and it it was like someone had came and swapped her for another baby in the night. 

Another thing that happened was the fact that I couldn't quite comprehend that I had actually given birth. When people would say 'well done' I would feel as though I had just done a big exam and deep down I knew that I had cheated- I didn't do it properly. And whenever anyone would say how great it was that she was born on her due date I would say 'well she wasn't actually was she' I couldn't work out why I felt this way for ages. Going through it recently, I have worked out that the reason why I felt this way stems from having to be induced twice for her to come along. This mindset affected many things including bonding with my baby (which I will touch on another post) and giving myself that 'break' I needed as I had just put my body through so much. 

Those are the main things that stuck in my mind, but daily being a bit of a snappy bitch, talking absolutely no sense and crying at odd things are things that are just that come with having a child I guess. Crazy comes in all different levels- but don't panic, it happens to more people than you think- my mum didn't know who my sister was after she gave birth to her, she completely forgot she had had her! And my auntie was looking for a baby on top of the wardrobe! Just remember when you are panicking that someone will turn up and wheel you away in a straight jacket- it does get better! To the point where you can look back and have a laugh at that absolute crazy bitch you left behind!!

A M L 

LaLa xx

It's OK

Its OK to not read the baby books
It's OK to read all the baby books.
It's OK to breastfeed your baby in public. Try not to overthink it.
It's OK to feed your baby formula. There is nothing wrong with it, stop feeling guilty.
It's OK to stay in and do nothing all day. You're constantly being told to 'go out for your sanity' but some days you need to just stay in for that very reason.
It's OK to still wear your maternity jeans long after you've given birth. Normal jeans will never feel the same again.
It's OK to think 'what the hell have we done' then feel really guilty about it afterwards. Totally normal, everyone thinks it at least once just not everyone admits it
It's OK to not feel an overwhelming love and bond with your baby straight away. It'll come in time.
It's OK to hate breastfeeding. It's not for everyone.
It's OK to call the shots.  Say no to visitors wanting to come too soon or people coming round at silly times.
It's OK to feel like a right twat while singing and dancing around to the jolly babies Hokey Cokey.
It's OK to admit you're struggling. You'll be surprised who admits it too. Yes, even that mum who seems as though she had it all together.
It's OK to just go with the flow at the start. Routines can wait.
It's OK to just cuddle your baby for the first 6 weeks or so. They just want to be cuddled so put away the stimulating toys for a couple of weeks and enjoy your new born. It won't affect their future intelligence I promise.
It's OK to have a glass of wine. It won't affect your milk.
It's OK to miss work. And to envy your other half when he comes back from work with stories about his day. .
It's OK to cry.
It's OK to enjoy maternity leave and for it to feel like a bit of a jolly
It's OK to find mat leave really boring.
It's OK to use a dummy. And then wonder  why you hadn't sooner.
It's OK to just sponge the sick off your clothes and get on with your day.
It's OK to stay in hospital that extra night. Remember there's not a 24 hour call bell at home
It's OK to be a little bit crazy! Those hormones are powerful things!

Some from my antenatal girls-


It's OK to not be OK- sometimes you might just have a hard day and you don't end up getting out of your pj's- or the second you do they poo/sick up on you and you just have a little cry
It's OK to eat chocolate for breakfast
It's OK to feel guilty- are you talking to them enough, have you cuddled them enough, have you changed their nappy enough. Feeling guilty as you made the transition from breast to bottle earlier than you'd hoped, feeling guilty that you've let other people give them a bottle, feeling guilty that you've  let someone (other than you) look after them for a few hours
It's OK to cry every day for weeks on end- you've been though the most life changing experience- the hardest experience and an experience that no one (not even the million text books and websites you've been looking at) can prepare you for- but it's ok, it's motherhood
It's OK to put baby down when they haven't stopped crying for hours, walk away for a few moments and come back when you've taken some deep breaths
It's OK to have someone look after baby and spend time with your older children, it's important that they have one on one attention

AML

LaLa x

The craziest week of my life

The craziest week of my life

It was almost a year ago that everything in my life completely changed in a week. We had just got the keys to our house and I was only in a week before I was off to Marbella  on my hen do. I happily waved Elliott off (with boxes to unpack) and got on the plane with my mum and bridesmaid Sally. Everyone else was joining us at different times of the week. I'm not a big planner, I just said I'm flying out Tuesday for a week, everyone sort your own flights out and I'll see you there- first come first served with beds- and it all just kind of worked out as we had a nice number of 15 girls! (I love it when a completely unplanned event comes together!)

Thursday night was the night most people arrived so we partied at home, and were greeted to an email from my dad the next day to say that he had been sent an email by the neighbours solicitor about the noise! Friday was the fancy dress night out, Disney of course. We had drinks and hen games at home and then out to Peurto Banus. When I came home I was sick- which is the first time that had ever happened, and I remember thinking how weird it was as I had been a lot more drunk so many times before. But then if you're not sick on your hen do then did you really have a hen do?!

Saturday night we went to my favourite restaurant. I've been going there for my whole life and it still has the same staff. It's the kind of place you just think about all day if you know you are going there. But as soon as the food came out, my stomach turned and I couldn't eat. Now anyone who knows me knows I am NEVER put off my food. I just sat there sipping slowly on the same glass of wine all night. On the Sunday I did wonder if maybe I was pregnant, but obviously in Spain nowhere is open on a Sunday so I wouldn't have been able to get a test. On Monday we spent all day at a beach club by my house and I didn't think about it again.

Tuesday was the day I flew back to Bristol. I had had the best time but was so bummed about the fact I had been ill on my hen do- I never get ill so thought it was just typical that I was on my hen do. Again pregnancy entered my mind, and instead of dismissing it, I popped to the farmacia to get a test. Now, if I had thought that this test was going to be positive, I would have done it a lot differently, but all of a sudden I found myself sat on my bed with my bridesmaid, on my hen do, in Marbella just hours before I'm due to fly home,  both staring at a positive pregnancy test. (And frantically googling if the second line is faint is it still a positive?!) while trying to translate the instructions. When I say I would have done it differently, it was lovely that I found out with one of my closest friends, but I found myself sat there knowing I was pregnant and my husband was at home in a different country with absolutely no idea. I was in shock; over the years scans had shown that my endometriosis had become so severe, that the scar tissue had bound together my ovaries with my uterus and I was told that this may not happen for me.

I was so nervous on the plane home. I felt so sick and all I could smell was beer-breath on the guy behind me. (Oh, preggo nose!!) I played it over and over in my mind how I was going to tell Elliott, and all of a sudden the plane had landed.

Walking out at arrivals, I saw El straight away and looked at him completely differently. The father of my child and he didn't even know it yet. Putting the key into the door of our new home, I stood in outr empty kitchen surrounded by boxes of wedding stuff while everyone sat eating McDonald's wherever they could perch their bum and all I could think was how slowly it seemed that everyone was eating. When they all finally left, I found myself stood in our new kitchen, just us two and this was it. "Babe you know I was ill on my hen do, well I took a test and I'm pregnant"

Life. Changed.

What followed was a Ross Gellar moment of silence, then disbelief, then a dash upstairs to take another test. Which we didn't even have to wait for, it came up straight away.

So yeah, pretty crazy week!

A. M. L. Lala x